tiger's willow

as my pops gets home with his subtle face of apathy, my mommy says :” ven una escoba vestida y se alocan”. (they see a dressd up broom, and they get all worked up). ;) i love my mother’s expressions, but i love it more that she has the guts to say it and live up to them. defiitely someone to root for. sorry pops

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. there’s no batter policy, to my knowledge. of course, you can always take the darned things and throw them at people . or make small cuts on somebody and pour some freshly squeezed lemon juice. nothing like revenge served cold. but what do we really get out of it? what other than a more screwed up view than the one we formerly began with? i’m not preaching, the last thing i want is to talk in a vaccuum. theres too many people already doing that. what i do want to say is that things go awry. somtimes you don’t think that things could be worse. next thing you know, its up shitcreek. you can’t take another rerun  of the last fiasco, and you find yourself in yet another lap of a vicious cycle. i believe that things would work out. i wanted more thatn anything for it to work. maybe i dint want it bad enough? maybe i was the only one loving? what the hell do i know? it didn’t work, and that wasn’t a choice i made. I would’ve gone to the ends of the world to make it happen. it just…didnt. for reasons i’m only beginning to understand as incomprehensible at the moment. it wasn’t good for me. the universe didn’t see matching my necessities with my wants. not happening. who knows? But one thing that I do have is my natural self. i have my choice, my will. I have the gift of my own will over who i am. i get to choose what i need, what i want, what happens and doesnt happen to me. so i could choose to simper, and be heartbroken. granted, my heart did break a little. but its not the first time, and i doubt it’ll be the last. great marriages have worse heartbreaks. so why should i be an exception? that said, i chose to accept what happened. i saw that it was not my conscious choice; it was the other person’s choice. i never had any control over that person’s will. thank the balances of life for that. Before jumping in headfirst into the fuzzy feelings, or maybe after, i promised myself that, no matter what happened, i would be respectful of myself when it came to said person. because, honestly it’s not fair to me or the people around me to be unhappy, uncomfortable and unbearable to me. so i chose to walk away, ehre before i would’ve kept on going, foolishly. i chose to end up alone this time, becasue there’s nothing worse than being wrong when it could all have been right. as someone said: “try your best, and try again. if you still don’t accomplish it, then give up; there’s no pint in being a damned fool about it”. i could go on about the lack of appreciation and not giving a damn, but i’ll simply leave it at using my time to pursue more responsive things, instead of waisting it. So, yeah, i chose to take a step back, but that doesn’t mean i can’t window shop. in any case, i shall window shop wiht more eagerness. i think there is someone who i can put my time and effort into. its better this time because i do find my next interest very attarctive. physically and artistically. i need pictures lol shit happens, but its what we decide to do after the fragile house of cards collapses that counts. we can shut down. or you can open your heart. so i’m not that unwell. i’m temporarily put out, but its okay. maybe i have grown a little more now. i’ve realized that theres no point, and its unhealthy, to be a weak woman. i am a strong woman, who doesn’t take well to frills, who isn’t going to sugarcoat things when they are wrong, who leads herself in the direction of her dreams and desires, who lives through her beliefs, who isn’t tied down by the expectations of other, and most importantly, who will love deeply. imagine we were all the same? gaah! we may as well be robots, and humanity is too beautiful to be broken.

i’m still…i need to let go inorder to get where i need to go. i just hope u’ll be there when i get there.

i need to work on my painting. i need to work on my chemistry. i need to figure out scrapbooking. i want to collage work. i need a new job. i need to figure out what to do with all this fabric. i need to make time. and i need to do something when i figure out that time. i think imma go to sleep now. i have school and theatre in a few. i want to write. perfect :)

maybe its the dark of the moon. or a new moon. but rather it is a moon ready for a full moon. what in the world is wrong with me? i don’t know. i can only question my resolution, and how much good is it? what good is a resolution, no matter how strong and right it may be, if it crumbles at the sight of another person? whats the point of all the time and distance if being close only wrecks you and fills you with doubt? i wonder if its possible to be so impervious that you don’t know when you really want someone to give you a chance, and when its breaking you apart? i mean, i get it. i’m no social butterfly. i’m always moving. i can’t seem to help it. but damn, is it really so wrong, and bad, for a girl to be strong, to lead herself wiht her own ideas, to fulfill her dreams? does a woman have to be feeble, dress in pink , and sugar coat things for men to figure that girl is just a girl, in the end? who might want the boy to ask her out? how blinding is it? does a woman’s strength scare men, or make her seem unfeeling? or in this case, how elusive is that concept? suddenly, i’m talking about this in a very hypothetical sense. hmm… <sigh> i guess at some point, we have to honor the fact that we are attracted to someone enough that we are willing to take some effort and look for that person, even when they are different, callous, distracting, maybe even wrong. and i guess that we can also just drop some achievable,very important dreams to look for a dream that is delusional. that can never be anything. but i think it’s better not to ask what if. we already do that alot for other things, and for other people.    

i don’t know what just happened. it was both of us there but a clear glass separating. I feel like i was asleep at the wheel. i feel like i just skipped over something really important and now i try to remember but its all a blank tape. i feel awful. my head hurts, where moments ago it was clear, unstresssed. I was fine with not talking, with not really seeing. and now, its hitting me. like shock, and then the morphine’s out. i feel my body asking me what it can do to alleviate this dizziness, but i can’t think of anything. goosebumps running down my arms, my spine. it’s almost as if a forc is pulling me, calling me, an berating me for being so blind. i wish I’d done things differently, but wishing for something that’s in the past, never boded well for me. i do remember his eyes. they were more open now, whether the lack of substence use or the effect of sleep, i’m not sure. his eyes are dark, pitch black from far away, like a piece of black stone placed into his skull. black eyes that are elusive, holding my eyes for a second, and breaking as i look away. i never felt more naked. but i didn’t feel so pinned, just oddly hyperaware and happy that he was there. i liked to have his attention, but then that could have been because i was on trip that he couldn’t make it to. still, i can’t help but wonder otherwise. his eyes were black from where i stood, but i’m sure that they are dark brown swirls, reminding me of places to discover and to enter at one’s own risk. to enter mesmerized. the kind of eye’s that one can languidly lose themselves in, deeply and fully, without really knowing if we’ll make it out. definetly eyes capable of hurting, but also eyes thatcan cradle you, and perhaps, even love you. i felt singled out when he looked at me, although he might have been just seeing another friend standing by. i don’t know maybe distance does amke the heart grow fonder. i have to say that i have idealized him, realizing that over the last two days, i think its safe to say in a moment of common sense that i will be respectful of myself when it comes to me. in other words, i will be concsinetious of myself, when it comes to him. he may or may not see me. it doesn’t change what i feel, whihc is still very confusing; i don’t think i fully know the extent of them. perhaps i do feel somtehing, but i’m holding back, waiting for him to make a move, in order for me to fully explore what i feel for him. otherwise, i think i’ll bury it. what ever it is that i feel. just like i’ve done for  handful of other boys. i just wish that this time it were different, because i do want life to prove me wrong on this one. as to why i want to be wrong this time around so bad, i’m still not sure. I want to have at least this one possibility to actually be a good, nurturing relationship. nothing more and nothing less.   i just wonder how i’ll fare no that i’m sensitive to his feelings, and more frighteningly, my own. its a week time until i see him. i hope to remain sober and not become drunkenly fanatical on the tangled feelings that he creates and that i feel for him

it’s not that i didnt want to. i just didn’t expect it. in all the mess, i didn’t think i would find peace, acceptance, famliarity. I didn’t think of finding myself would be as easy as reaching forward. i’m dreaming again, i feel alive, i feel the present and I look to the future with acceptance of what may come. but most of all i have refocused myself, and found who i am at the core of myself, and i find that more than ever i am living for that. given all this, it is absolutely ungrounding to find that a dear friend of mine whom i thought gone from my reach to be close to my heart and ever watchful and loving as i ever saw her. she ma not be physically with me anymore, but she’s taught me too look in front of me, to not be afraid cause shes right here holding my hand, giving me courage. it is also a complete, refresing and unexpected to find that suddenly my heart strings are being pulled. in a way that i didn’t think possible. in a way that i didn’t beleive possible; in way that i thought as impossible in my life: love. i find that suddenly, unexpectedly, and minutely, i have this strange and precious treasure in my hands which i now pocket becasue i don’t know if i can carry it well without breaking it. i just can’t believe that it is happening to me. worse yet, that the man responsible for this reaction is well, quite different to what i believed i expected from the man of my dreams. i must admit, at first it was completely physical. but he’s not even that muscle-y. lol and that, i can’t stop grinnning like an idiot every time i think of him. and i am happy. most of all i am happy. he is not the tawny skin man i exected; hes dark toned. like my father, whih ids the worse thing i can possibly find. i see correlation between my mother’s and my tastes. very disconcerting. his eyes are not piercing; rather they are mellow, soft around the edges, perhaps by the use of grass. whihc is my second, and more serious difference of myself and said person. i neer thought i would like someone who likes to get stoned. that was NOTwhat i exppected for myself. if smoking wasn’t in the plan, least of all pot. its not like i dont see it, but i didnt think i’d be attracted without rhyme or reason to someone like that. and i find myself making excuses, hoping that he’ll change and stop once he realizes my feeling for him. my warrior saide is telling me that i need to stop thinking like a lovestruck girl. but i can’t help it.and that makes me afraid, we are fools for love, and i’ve been like that before. but now im really scared becasue everything is little stronger, a little higher now. its different. i feel different. i feel happy wiith who i am and where im going. a love now would mean someone in my life, but also that the end would leave me empty; it would leave me missing something that perhaps won’t ever be mine. and i feel like i will turn back again to missing somehting taht i never really had. i don’t want to go back to that sad self of me, that didn’t see true meaning or reason for life. and suddenly he’s standing there, almost like a beacon„ saying there is soething to live for, bigger than ourselves of which we live from and have no control over: Love. he’s nothing of what i expected of a guy for me, and yet in all his differentness, he is perfect in his own way. i just want to know who he is. if maybe in all his weirdness and opposition of me he can be the center of my world.

butterflydreaming: In between your fingers lies the echo of their touch on warm skin, long forgotten by you, but not forgotten by them. Their ache fuels the quiet heartbeat of your loneliness tonight. ~butterflydreaming~

i probably shouls be sleeping. i have a final tomorrow so i for all intenets and purposes i should at least attempt sleep. but why feign it? maybe its the events of the last day which just ended an hour ago, isn’t that disconcerting. i can say its a new day. anyway, maybe its all the tension, or listening to adele. or maybe im just a girl who can stand on her own feet, but still fets weary inside. its blasted vold outside. not that i stepped into the damp garden or anything. ahem. i should probably take my cough medecine, but im procrastinating. it tastes like crap. damn i hvent written in a long time. i want to spit it all out. i want to say, or better yet i wih i could say what i felt in that moment. i wish i could have seen him, all the while staing cool. nonchalant. i wish for that matter to have riled the whole time, but at least say something. at least to say something to some one who was standing there, who was really there… i wouldn’t say it was all his fault. i admit that i let it get too carried away. and that every once in a while it was both of us flirting with disaster. but i wanted more than anything to feel in love. and i did. but was he? i didn’t need him then, and after this time i don’t need him now. i write this because i still have thoughts of him, in times and moment that have nothing to do with him. and when little things bring him to my mind, it summons an image of happiness that pulls at my lips. and i can’t help but wonder what i itwould have been like if we’d worked through it? would we still be happy? perhaps we both just wanted to feel like we belonged to someone at the end of the day. someone to talk to when things were beautiful and see each other in mirrored in our eye; someone who would take our fears and worries, giving us peace and silcence reassuring us. someone who you could trust as you friend, your partner in crime, your sweetheart and you lover. someone who would make you smile and chase your shadows away. who would remind you of how great and beautiful you are when you can’t take your own face. someone who would hold me in thier arms and go the extra mile. shit i would’ve gone to the ends of the world. but he didn’t. how could he if he didn’t feel te same way. it just wouldve been better if id figured out or more to the point face it before my unconscious woke me in tears with poetry filling my ears. whatever it is, that is what i wanted, what i need. and he couldn’t give. so how can you accuse of something you’re not willing to give? without it meaning sacrifice? i guess sometimes you just have to look because there is no other way, you have to jump on the other side, hoding onto the thin glimmering hope, the silver lining, keeping faith that on the other side it truly is better. because it will be better. someone will come along who will make you smile and make you feel like you belong. or, as i asked a lifetime ago it seems, what is the point of great life if you don’t have the most beautiful thing: love. if you never love, if you never feel, if you never give a kiss for no other reason than for the miracle of waking up with someone so awesome? for someone who makes all the pieces fit and make sense of the whole mess?

today i came back to the apartments that i call “home” for now. where all the naighbors hate me, but i realy dont give a shit. my mom is sill not making sense. she is a walking-speaking and acting contradiction. and i am too tired to cover for her anymore. im really just waiting for the perfect moment to makea run for it. and lets not even go to my father’s case. i had full intention of working on my niece’s dress for her birthday. she loves rpunzel. but soemhow i got cuaght up in school, food and… a film. i started watching “into the west” directed by spielberg. and i enjoyed it. i had ben putting it off for a month almost, and now that i’ve seen it im hooked. it also got me thinking about my story on antive americans. i wonder what it si taht i can bring to life. what if it has to do with my life? or better and more cmpicated et, with my past lives? anyways i loved it. im sending the movie back to netflix to get the next one asap. afterwards though, i got a blazing head ache, so i took soem advil, burned some sage and sweet grass, trying to relax. i began t daydream of the chapter in my book, except that this would be a very modern independet girl, who can fend for herself. she kicked major-guy-butt. lol she is protecting boy. trying to get him somewhere safe. halfway through that though, i began to feel sentimental, and i wondered where Dianan was. I miss her so terribly uch. and i still pound myself for not being there the evening se passed away. my life will not last long enough to bege forgiveness for not being there when she needed me most. i felt a little better once i faced that, or a part of that inner demon. i think i saw my own spirit guides; the tigress, a pinto horse, and a wolf. somewhere a red-tailed hawk. crows are alwyas my messengers. so i halfway finished my indian scene while i was heating cinammon raisin bread with cream cheese. scrumptious. ;) i still havent done my math hw. eww. lol